april fool

252.0 this morning. WTF??? I hit the gym yesterday, I'm eating right, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Why can't I break this barrier? I know I just have to keep chugging forward, but it makes me cry. Seriously, it's so disheartening.

punched in the face

Well, not really, but that's how I feel today. My dentist intentionally cut a muscle in my mouth yesterday, and the entire right side of my face feels as though someone knuckle-sandwiched me for hours.

I'm happy to report I was back to 251.5 this morning, and I spent a good half hour on the elliptical. I'm up to 6 on the crossramp, which I think is good. I'm still lamenting not being able to go to the gym every morning, but depending on what happens in the near future I may check with my boss and see if I can come in at 9am on M&W so I can get the early exercise in and out of the way.

All and all I'm feeling much better than yesterday. It doesn't hurt that I got a bit of a project out of the way at work. I've got a ton of errands to take care of today and I'm traveling this weekend - that will be a test of my plan, for certain.

Day Fifteen

Going backward. Yep. I'm at 253 this morning. I'll admit it, Friday night I fucked up. We ate veggie pizza and I sort of lost all control. Reason #1 I can't be around that sort of food. I did take a decent walk on Saturday, and the past two days I've eaten pretty well. But I'm gaining, not losing. And it devastates me. I'm crying as I type this. How sad.

I have to start from scratch with the planning - I haven't done anything over the past few days. I'm starting to feel pretty self destructive and my wrists are hurting me and I have to go to the dentist today and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide hide hide away.

I am going home this weekend and I so wish I weren't, I wish I could take some time off and just be at home and hide under the covers. Why do I feel so bad? Why can't things get better?

Day Twelve

Hoo-rah! 251.0. That's a grand ol' number. I'm getting starry-eyed thinking about 245, which is what I weighed around four years ago. That's the lowest number I'm aware of for many years. Once I'm below that threshold, well.......................

I'm still craving bad food, I admit it. And the workouts aren't getting easier. Tuesday & Thursday morning I did not put in my full time, I'll fess up. Today I'm supposed to go for 40 minutes. I'm leaving work early so it's not as if I won't have plenty of time - plus, it's Friday. I guess I will try to go for 20 mintues on the treadmill, then maybe 20 minutes on the elliptical. Something like that. Split it up so it's not so daunting. I put some new songs on the iPod last night - I think that's also a good incentive to help with the exercise - new songs=distraction.

Day Ten

Oh man oh man oh man! I've lost eight pounds as of this morning! I'm over the moon!

Yesterday was both good and bad - I started the day with a ticket for running a red light. That's an $83 fine, a lot for 5:44 a.m. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go to court about it. But I got to the gym, did 20 minutes on the elliptical, took a shower, and had a pretty good day at work. Oh, and some peeps from my old job encouraged me to apply for an open position there - so I did. It would be a huge upgrade, at least *power*-wise from what I'm doing now. I'm pretty sure I want the gig. We'll see, though - there are some cons to the situation, but with the possibility of my job being eliminated, it would be nice to have some job security again.

Yeah, so yesterday I had tons of cravings; my period makes me insatiable. But seeing *8* pounds down on the scale this morning really helps me feel better and stay motivated.

Gym after work today. Hooray!

Day Eight

Guess what, world? I lost 5.5 lbs last week! I exercised six of the seven days, and I pretty much followed the plan to the letter (I did have some movie popcorn and a diet coke on Saturday). Yep. 5.5 lbs, and it was relatively painless. Of course I wish after the week I could now take a week off, eat whatever I want (chocolate, pizza, a sub sammich), but that's not going to happen. I have to move forward into week two.

I also realized trying to change so many things all at once is difficult. However, with the extra energy I had yesterday I did get some cleaning done, albeit a minor amount. I am feeling more productive, and I am getting more accomplished. Little steps, I guess.

I'm planning on making a list of all the things I need to do to get myself in gear - part-time writing work will certainly help my life a great deal. I need a flash drive, too. That would also help me out a great deal! Duh!

Thursday

I hit the gym around 6am today....went for 26 minutes on the elliptical. I hate showering in public places, but it's necessary when I go to the gym in the mornings, as the gym is so close to work it would be a waste of time and gas to go home and drive back. Today the cleaning lady was in the bathroom while I showered - sort of weirded me out, though she left before I was done. I'm so anxious about having anyone see my body and judge it, laugh at it.

I also hate those showers because despite the cleaning lady, they are dirty with other people's hair and whatnot. And while the cold water is cold, the hot water is even colder. Not fun.

I know I'm not supposed to weigh myself, but I this morning I weighed 257. That's really grand. I know I need to stop with the weighing, I know, I know, I know, but I can't help it. I'm addicted.

Now if I could just get myself going on some other changes. I am proud I've worked out four times this week. That's pretty good for me. And only two more days until I can rest....

I started something...again

I stared the Biggest Loser's 30 Day Jump Start program on Monday, and so far I've done well. I did eat lunch off the plan today, but I think it will be okay. Otherwise, the scale says I've lost two pounds. I've been to the gym twice (Monday night and Tuesday morning!) and I'm going again every day but Sundays. For the next 30 days.

Okay, enough of that. Another realization: I have not saved one red cent in the past few months, with the exception of a few bucks for Austin. Other than that, nothing. I've spent $350 in three weeks on groceries, not to mention another $50 on eating out, easily. Um, what the hell is wrong with me? My impulse buys are out of control. Plus, I have to go to the store again to ensure I have what I need for the food plan - I'm hoping I can keep it in the $50 range. I need to cook in bulk and do my best to stretch my food dollar.

I did read up on starting a website yesterday, which was progress. I've done very little as far as my actual work is concerned, and nothing for the TV pitches. What is wrong with me?

I just thought of something - I need to create my own boot camp for getting the career/life I want. I also need to create a vision board....

it's been awhile

Officially, the scale rang me in at 256.0 this morning. So I guess that's good. I'm deep into this plan and I have accomplished nothing. I tread water all the time, never coming up, never meeting my goals. I feel like I'm censoring myself and keeping myself back. I'm not true to me.

Things I want to accomplish before the end of the month:

1. work out at least four times a week, every week
2. clean my shit up in the bedroom
3. clean out my closet
4. apply for at least five freelance gigs

I was going to list more, but I think that's a pretty healthy list - I have a LOT to do there, more than meets the naked eye, anyway. I will be losing my job within the next nine months, at least it seems pretty certain I will be moved or repurposed, perhaps with a paycut. I need to start saving, planning, fixing things up for the future. I need to get off my ass. Get my pitches in. Lose weight. Take advantage of my insurance. Be a better person. Be a neater person! Be less lazy!

2/26

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. I have been sick sick sick again and again.
Here's where it hurts:

ears/ear canals
head
back
shoulders
shoulder blades
right knee
right ankle
right foot
left calf
left foot (top)
hips
upper lip
stomach
bowels

I am exhausted. Really down for the count. Really out of it.

Month Two - Week Three - Day Two

I worked out on the elliptical for 20 minutes yesterday. I'm still sore in certain areas, and it feels great.

Today I also got some work done on my reality pitch. Not a lot, but it's better than before. We're meeting tomorrow.

Month Two - Week Three - Day One

257 today. Hm. But I ate pancakes for dinner last night. So I guess I'm not complaining. I am always aware, though, in the back of my mind, that this progress has to be ramped up. When I get back from IA, next week things have to get serious.

How long have I been saying that? When I get back from...when x is over...????

I still feel ill, which I hate. Cold sores. Ick.

I want a new car. I want to be frugal. I want to be smart. I want to be happy with what I have.

Month Two - Week Two - Day Five

259.0 lbs this morning. I nearly burst into tears. The thing is, for most of last year I was around 253. So I've settled in at this new, higher rate, and it's killing me. It's so discouraging.

Gym after work today, and work is a 1/2 day for me. Errands to run.

I've applied my tax refund monies toward good things like an emergency fund, paying off debt, and a down payment on a new used car. I'm trying to up my credit rating so I can get a lower interest rate on a car, and maybe pay a little less each month, or at least the same amount for more car. Something like that. Something good. I'm trying to stay on top of my funds, build a buffer, be able to have nice things. The goal is to spend less than I earn, right? Why is that so hard? I wouldn't be making ends meet if it weren't for my bonus and refund. Then again, I am accelerating payments on my cards. Still, it's a wake up call.

But like my weight, because I can squeeze and manipulate my way around it, I'm not worried yet. I do want to get to the point where I use my rewards cards for all purchases and pay them off immediately, before the bill comes. And so the other cards are just for show, just for fun, just in case, to be phased out over the course of a year, before annual payments are due. After I have the new car. Once my credit is up.

Are we going to buy a house? Are we going to get married? I wonder all the time. But truthfully, I'm prolly not there yet. I'm lose in my supermarket. I'm overwhelmed and under motivated. I'm fat and I'm lazy.

Month Two - Week Two - Day Four

Sound the trumpets - I'm down another half pound! I know this weighing in shit is getting a tad obsessive, but I'm trying to figure out what works and what doesn't.
No workout today as I'm dealing with my car's oil change and whatnot. It's probably good to take a day off - I upped my speed on the treadmill a bit (won't even post it because it's so laughably slow to the average consumer) and I went for a full 40 minutes. I am getting closer to a decent walk time and I'm thrilled. I have to keep pushing, continue to bust out of the comfort zone.

You know, I've been so desensized by the diet-mania of our culture that I have no idea what a healthy amount of daily carbs looks like. My fitday.com calorie counter shows me the number of carbs I'm ingesting and I think they're through the roof, but I don't know if that's true or not. I know if I bump them down a bit I will lose more, but this isn't the time for that. Yet.

Financially, I've been doing some good things. My Walgreen's visit today resulted in a $4.18 total, saving me over $24. And I bought good stuff, like Bounty paper towels and Nivea and Progresso soup. Nothing off-brand or weird. I also scored a $25 gift card for transferring a prescription - I plan to use the money toward detergent and other "higher ticket" items.

Creatively, I've not done much lately, but that (like everything else!) is about to change. Our contact in LA has a deal with a major network, so I need to get rolling on my awesome ideas. I think something can come of this.

I've got to make a valentine's card for J tomorrow, something sweet. Also have to get back to the gym.

Month Two - Week Two - Day Three

Today is good. 258.0. That's a good place to be. Not that I want to be here for long, but I'll take it for today.
13 lbs until I'm at the weight I was at this time in 2006. Then it's unchartered territory -don't really know what my weight was for years.

I walked for 37 minutes yesterday, not bad at all. There were moments I felt light as air, as if I were gliding.

The Urban Hermit survived on 800 calories a day and lost over 100 lbs in a few months. I don't think I could pull that sort of a starvation diet off. I don't know if I could handle it. But he got his bills paid, he got out of debt. That does appeal to me.

There's a streak coming up, March-April, where I probably won't be doing any traveling or anything special. I'm thinking it's a good time to get a little more drastic.

I'm wearing a favorite cardigan today, also favorite argyle socks. And meeting a friend for lunch. Life is good.

Month Two - Week Two - Day One

I lost and gained weight over the weekend. 260.5 is where I stood this morning.
Other things that happened:

1. my back hurts, not sure how it happened, but it got worse over the weekend. then better. then I fell on the ice this morning.
2. I have to have a root canal. breaking my heart. how much will it cost?
3. my house is a mess. my home is a mess. my furniture is falling apart. my life is a mess.
4. my ears hurt.
5. jason's mom is mean, I had a bad time at bob's party. And I felt like a selfish jerk for not getting into it, not "having personality." but I wanted to sulk. jason ignored me and then he felt bad. I know he really loves me, but I felt bad. i want to move away from his family.
6. my eyes are heavy and tired and I just want to go home. how long until I can leave? i don't really know. Gwen could call at any minute. i don't want that to happen. I don't want to hear from here.
7. tomorrow I have to be bright eyed, bushy-tailed, and really good at my job.
8. i'm so far behind on pitches it's sad sad sad. I need to be proactive with my dreams!
9. need to pick up some valentine's day cards and some birthday cards and I think my tax refund is coming this week and I need to spend it wisely
10. also, how is it that other people have so much money? they buy houses and furniture and go on vacation and i don't seem to have anything but more bills and stupid little bills and crap
11. i think i spend far too much money on food. i think my lunches need to be 1/2 a bag of frozen mixed veggies and a protein. maybe that's what my breakfasts need to be, too. not quite sure yet, but that's what I'm thinking.
12. i do like wheaties.

Month Two - Week One - Day Five

So far this week I'm pleased - I'm back down to 259.5. I had a great day at the gym Wednesday, really worked hard and walked for 37 minutes, at a decent pace. I've rested for a day and now I'm going back tonight.

I'm sort of dreading this weekend, because of the surprise party. J's family really gets under my skin sometimes. Oh well, I have to not be stressed. I have to be calm and good and just do my best.

I'm working on better money management - but it's difficult right now. There are some expenses coming up - AAA membership, oil change, car insurance - that make it difficult.

Creatively, I've not done much, either. I did order some paperweights so I can make something cool. I really need to get back to my pitches.

Month Two - Week One - Day Three

261.5 today. That's down. That's good. I didn't go to the gym yesterday, as I had a hair appointment. I feel so much better with pruned eyebrows!

I made a list of rewards for losing weight yesterday. I've got 10, 20, 30, 40, and 50 lbs set up.

10 lbs - new Sigg water bottles ($40)
20 lbs - day off work
30 lbs - new running shoes ($130)
40 lbs - tailor ($50)
50 lbs - flea market shopping trip ($150)

These are all things I want to do, so I'll need to set up a savings account so I have enough money.

Once I hit goal (150) I'm going to go to NYC for a weekend, I think, and see Ann.

So I've been logging food and exercise on FitDay and I'm not eating as much as I thought, at least calorie wise.

Today I need to spend more time at the gym. I need to break out of my comfort zone. Sure, 20 minutes on the treadmill minimum (I'm just going to slow down when I get tired and then go some more!), but I should maybe add in the bike or something else to help burn more calories. I need to stop with the excuses!

Month Two - Week One - Day One

Wow, so the first month was a bust! I'm at 261.5 this morning, so no improvement there.

The Steelers won the Super Bowl - that makes me happy! The online company I filed my taxes with messed everything up, so I have to start over from scratch.

I've paid my bills this pay period and may have enough to get through until the next paycheck, so that's definitely a bonus.

I've planned a trip home and I get to see my two best friends, and I don't have to take any time off! That is a HUGE bonus and a blessing and I'm so appreciative. I'll also get to spend some time with my grandparents and relax a bit. I'm really thankful. Did I mention I don't have to use any of my coveted vacation days?

What else? Hm. I'm going to the gym after work. I have some books about collage and I'm going to try to make it happen. I worked a couple of days last week organizing my closet and bedroom and while I still have a LONG way to go I'm closer than before and things are looking better.

Going out to dinner with family tonight. Food gets a lot more strict tomorrow.

Life is good. I need to remember that. Oh, and we saw the Wrestler this weekend and it broke my heart into a million billion pieces.

Week Four - Day Five

The scale read 260.5 this morning. I've worked out twice this week and not eaten too terribly. Whenever I have my period I am ravenous - I will have to remember this for future reference.

I've decided to add some veggies to my early kimkins diet attempt - I don't want to be too headachey or out of sorts at work. I went online and ordered my groceries today - actually a very good idea! It costs $13+tip for delivery, but I think it's well worth it. I saved time and it's one less errand I have to run.
I'm going to try to go to Trader Joe's once a month and maybe have Sentry deliver once every two weeks. I think it might be a smart move.

Last night I got a bit more done with the anti-clutter endeavor. I finally got an old broken suitcase out to the trash, and I folded and put away a bunch of clothes that were just sort of laying around. The bedroom is looking nicer and I'm feeling better every day about my progress.

Week Four - Day Three

I've made a big decision - I'm going on the kimkins diet. I'm desperate for a jump start, and eating sensibly and exercising isn't helping me lose weight. I GAINED a .5 lb overnight - despite eating sensibly and going to the gym. It's got me at my wit's end. So starting Tuesday 2/2, I'm on kimkins. I will be grumpy and mean and tired, but it's something I have to do.

In other news, my e-file was rejected. This does not make me happy.

Starting Over

I think it's officially the fourth week, which means I'm down to 37 weeks, and even less than that until August. And yet I'm starting over.

This morning the scale read 263. Four pounds less than on Friday morning, and I didn't diet or exercise all weekend. No bragging, but it's proof that I don't know my body at all. Today is back to normal, and working towards an even better normal. I ate a mostly healthful breakfast, a pretty healthful lunch, and I'm headed to the gym after work.

More importantly, I got up this morning when I said I would (okay, five minutes after) and I made my breakfast and I did the dishes and I made the bed. And I got into the office pretty early, too. Which means I can leave early today, which means a jump start on my after-work errands. These are all good things.

Money-wise, I went a little nuts on eBay this weekend and bought pillow covers. I think I spent close to $60, which was dumb dumb dumb. But I've got it out of my system, I suppose.

Creatively, I have to get back on track. I feel like I've been using that phrase for the past 80 years. Back on track. Fuck it, I need a new track.
I'm making my lists, working towards goals. I know I can do this.

Week Three-Day Five

267. 0

Yep. How did it happen? How did I go SO far back in a week? I haven't weighed that much in over 18 months. What is going on?

I know I need to get strict now. No more fooling around or fooling myself.

I did do well with paying off various cards with my bonus money. I didn't buy myself anything yet. And I don't know if I will.

I really want a massage, but I'm thinking I need to lose 20 pounds before I can have it. And I was going to give myself a day off as a treat after I lost 20 lbs, but that's now after I lose 30 lbs.

Going to the gym after work. Time to get serious. Life is too short, and the hotel mirrors in St. Paul hid nothing. I am grotesque, and I don't want to live this way anymore. My feel and ankles were all swollen yesterday - they were massive and disgusting. I can't handle it.

Week Three - Day One

This morning the scale read 258.5. I'm going backward. I exercised five times last week. I'm pretty sure this can be linked to the M&Ms and the other junk I ate last week - that has to be it. I'm going to have to eat more bulky veggies and just work out more.

Jason's birthday is a week from today. If I can get through the sales meeting this week and his birthday, after that there are fewer temptations and I can really get down to business. I have to crack this code - I can't keep rubberbanding this shit.

Week Two - Day Six

Saturday. 260.0. Maybe the McDonald's did catch up with me? I don't know. I even went to the gym yesterday. I made shrimp quesadillas for dinner, they were very good but not three pounds of good. I also ate a serving of M&M's, but that's also not enough to put on three pounds. I'm going to get back to the gym and be comforted knowing I'm moving.

Yesterday I upped my speed and I could only do 15 minutes at the faster pace. I was sweaty and my legs hurt. That tells me I should go back to that faster pace on the next visit.

We're having breakfast with J's mom today. Another chance for a more healthful choice.

Week Two - Day Five

So yesterday I sort of set myself up for disaster - and luckily it didn't turn out that way.
I took an unexpected half day to run errands in the blistering cold, because I didn't want to go after work and in the dark and in the traffic.
It was liberating! As I've mentioned, I need new clothes for next week's meetings - I cannot continue looking like a ragamuffin. You know, I think sometimes not only do we become immune to our fat/sour appearance, but we get used to sort of raggedy, drab clothes, too.

My first stop was Avenue. I found quite a few things to try on, but nothing fit right/looked right. I've been honest with myself about the cut and fit of clothes, hoping to only invest in pieces that look good (or passable in the best way, considering my lumpy shape. I know I should get shapewear but....). I really needed pants, but all I found at Avenue was one green sweater. I paid just under $13 thanks to the sale price and the 20% off coupon I took along, so while I was bummed nothing really fit, I was pleased with the value of my purchase.

Next I hit up TJ Maxx, which was much better. I decided to "splurge" and get some Elizabeth Arden night cream, because the cost was about the same as Olay or the equivalent at the drugstore ($20) and I desperately needed something rich and good for my face. I also picked up a back brush and a couple of soap items as household treats, just 'cause. Yeah, I could have put that $10 towards credit card debt, but I didn't. So there.

Things went a little more smoothly at TJ Maxx. I found one pair of trousers that fit pretty well, though they are too long (once home I tried them on with wedge heeled winter boots, and that did the trick - no hemming this time around). I also found a beautiful indigo cardigan and an aqua cable knit sweater with a key hole. Both fit well and add some color to my winter wardrobe. I also got a pair of shoes, something that's nearly impossible for me. As I walked through the clearance aisle I prayed for a pair of shoes to appear, and lo-and-behold, they did. It was a shoe miracle. My total at TJ Maxx was just under $99. So far, so good, as I'd budgeted $150 for the entire extravaganza.

Because I hadn't anticipated leaving work early, by this time I was starving. I think I sort of knew this would happen before I left. I knew I had a lot more to do, so I stopped at McDonald's and got two McDoubles and a diet Coke (I knew where to save a few calories, at least, though that stuff is toxic). I braced myself and shoveled the food in like a starving rat.

My final stop was JC Penney's, which was having a massive sale. I ended up with a pair of cords and a pair of pants I need to return. The cords were around $11. I'm not sure if I'll look for anything else at JCP or just get my money back - shopping is addictive, but it's probably best to save the $25 for another shopping trip as I will need money for tailoring and more clothes in the coming months.

So, the scale this morning read 257.0. I was relieved, of course, that that extra .5 came off and the McDonald's binge didn't pack on an immediate few pounds. I'm going to the gym after work today and am also going to try to go twice this weekend. I do feel better these days, and I want to keep it up.

After the plane crash yesterday I kept thinking about how they wouldn't be able to save me if I went in the water - I'm too fat, too out of shape. I don't want that to happen to me. I want to be fit. I want to thrive.

Week Two - Day Four

Um, so it was -15 without the wind-chill when I drove to work this morning. That's bleepin' cold!

257.5 read the scale this morning. I'm trying to take it in stride - I did really well on the treadmill last night. I'm up to 28 minutes, trying to add a minute a day.

Today I'm off from the gym - I'm going to do some shopping after work. I've got to find career wear for next week's sales meeting. My boss and I are going to the Mall of America Monday night - I'm pretty bummed that I won't be able to really shop, because money is tight and I need to save, but it should be fun. I might try to find a couple of unique things. I'm also printing out coupons for stores, just in case.

Life is good. I need to remember that.

Week Two - Day Three

Today is probably the best day yet! 257.0 on the scale. I slept fairly well last night, and I have energy this morning - I've gotten a lot done so far. (At least for me.) I feel productive. I feel happier.

Last night I walked a mile in 25 minutes, and did a total of 27 minutes on the treadmill. That's pretty good for me. I hated it, but not as much as I used to. Walking a steady pace instead of worrying about intervals or any of that (for now) seems to work well for me. Giving myself permission to just walk is a good thing. If I can carve another pound or two off this week it'll be an even better thing.

I'm doing well on the pitches, too, and I'm getting my finances in order. I've pretty much stayed in my budget so far this month, though there have been a couple of missteps. Getting a bonus at work is almost a bad thing because it allows me to fudge a bit with the numbers. I have a couple of bills that were more than I expected, but other than that I'm in pretty decent shape. After next week's trip to St. Paul I will be ready to just spend and save like normal for the next few months.

As far as organizing, I've not done anything of note yet. I did go through some old photos last night and I hope to scan/have them scanned soon. I'm going to throw away a bunch of photos of people I don't remember (or that are just plain bad!).

Week Two - Day Two

258.0 this morning. I hit the gym yesterday and while I didn't love it, I didn't hate it. I think taking things at a steady pace is a good plan. That being said, I did find a 20 minute interval workout that is supposed to blast fat. I think I might try it at least once this week. I'm a little scared, because I know it will be difficult. Maybe I'll try a modified version.

It's cold here - the high is 1 degree today.

Week Two - Day One

I'm taking the one day at a time approach to this process. As such, as of today the scale read 258.5. This weekend I made some tough choices and overall I'm proud of most of them.

Today I tried to force myself to eat oatmeal for breakfast, but I've just confirmed that I don't like oatmeal. At all, really. I tried. I'm going to have to find another breakfast that is not egg or meat based...cereal? I don't know. A smoothie? I guess that's an option. Maybe slimfast? Ugh.

I'm almost looking forward to getting to the gym tonight. I'm still a little p.o.'d at myself for not going on Friday, but my knee was hurting and I was tired and I put in three days last week. This week my goal is to put in at least four days. The week after that is the MN trip so I should probably go on Sunday.

Overall, I don't think my plan is that difficult, it's just a matter of being prepared. No, the weight isn't sliding off, but I haven't altered my life so drastically to think that it would. I need to go slow and steady, and if/when a plateau comes along, I can then pull out of one of those trump cards and amp things up again.

Two pounds the first week? I'll take it.

end of week one

Yesterday got a lot better, but I'm realizing the weekends are rough and I'm still nowhere near where I need to be as far as planning and eating are concerned. According to this morning's scale, I'm at 261.5, which of course felt like a big ole punch to the stomach.

Every day is a new chance, right? I just have to keep moving forward, and up the exercise. I also need to really plan out my food. Working on it.

Week One - Day Six

Big fight last night. Not feeling good today.

259.0

Week One - Day Five

So I posted earlier but it evaporated. Poof!

I'm down to 258.5. That's two lbs gone, and good riddance! Yesterday I was much more focused, went to the gym and ticked quite a few things off my to-do list. That makes me happy.
Today I'm working on the focus part, TGIF and all that. I'm still not sleeping as I'd like, but I think I'll get there after another week or so at the gym.

I'm dreading a work sales meeting that's coming up - I'm going to have to be pretty careful and try to get in as much exercise as possible. I suppose a bonus is that the gym is free. Not sure what the gym hours are, but if I can get in there twice a day on Tuesday and Wednesday, that would be fantastic! I don't want to get too overreaching, but it might be worth a shot. We'll see.

The weekend concerns me, too, because of the opportunities to snack. I really need to plan things out a lot better. But I'm getting there.

Week One - Day Four

This morning's scale reading was 159.0. That's good news.

Yesterday I did go to the gym, and I ran some errands. I worked on my pitches a bit, too. I still couldn't sleep last night, but I'm making progress.

Today I'm a bit tired, but I have a new plan for blocking out my time - I think that will help me keep my focus and make the day go faster. I have a meeting this afternoon that I am dreading, but I'm just going to grit my teeth and get it over with.

Last night I watched the Biggest Loser (thank goodness for DVRs!) premiere. There are women on there that I can relate to, and it always inspires me to do better. I also watched the weight loss episode from Oprah's best life week, and got some new ideas about planning my food (really planning it!) and the aforementioned blocking out time. I feel hopeful today.

L-A-Z-Y

Am I fat because I'm lazy, or am I lazy because I'm fat? Chicken and the egg, right?

My home is pretty cluttered right now, at least my "areas." Let's be honest - my lovely walk-in closet is a freakin' disaster. Every time I think about cleaning and organizing it, I get tired. It wears me out. I have so much stuff, and no real thoughts on how to organize and maintain everything in an intelligent manner.

When I was a kid thinking about running made me anxious - I knew I'd never be able to complete the gym-class laps. And last night, whilst doing yoga, I gave up because an exercise hurt. No surprise there.

I am an efficient person. I believe in taking the most intelligent and least painful route. I like shortcuts. Sadly, there's no shortcut to fitness and good health. There's no shortcut to an organized closet. I am going to have to take everything out, purge the junk, and THEN go in and organize. It's not going to happen overnight. I like to visualize things getting done and I think I've done so much visualization with my weight and my home and other issues that I actually think some of these goals have been reached. In other words, I'm lazy and I'm fooling myself so I can stay lazy.

I need to stike lazy out of my life. Maybe have one lazy day a week - Sundays. The rest of the time I need to set bold goals and reach them, or at least take significant steps to reach them.

Now to get off my ass and do it...

Week One - Day Three

Remember what I said yesterday about that pound? Yeah, it was back today.

Yesterday was a mixed day. I ate pretty well during the workday, then sort of shot it all to hell last night. Chicken skin. Apple dessert (left over from the holidays). I can't have sweets in the house.
I didn't make it to the gym - I had an errand that had to be run after work, other side of town, yada yada. Of course I could have gone before work and showered at the gym, but I didn't want to. I didn't feel like it. I need to get my ass in gear and come up with some quick and easy outfits to put on after a morning workout. I need to be better about this.

So for exercise last night I did ten minutes of yoga. And it sucked. I'm not as flexible as I was even a year ago. The breathing is hard for me to master. At least I did something, I tell myself.
But I couldn't sleep last night, and my butt is sore on the chair today. I'm tired, I'm slacking.

I've got my TV opportunity ahead of me and I've done nothing. It's time to get in gear - why can't I? I was ready for this change, craving it - why can't I flip the switch?

Week One - Day Two

So I'm down a pound on the scale this morning, but I know from experience I shouldn't put any money on that pound. It could be back and doubled today. Drinking more water alone can up the weight. While I will count those numbers, I know the true testament to weight loss will be my clothing size, how I look, and how I feel.

Last night I fell asleep shortly after my head hit the pillow. Let me tell you, buddy, that was a good feeling, and one I haven't had since before Thanksgiving. It is a joy not to lie awake for an hour or more, my mind churning. It is sweet to wake up and maybe think that I've slept too much. I had energy this morning and it was bliss.

I'm not mentally focused today, not yet. I think it's going to take a little bit of meditation and a little bit of ass-kicking to get me to that place. You can't be out of it for months and just expect to get back to pole position. At the same time, I can't cut myself a lot of slack, because slack is what got me here in the first place.

dragging

I have to admit, I am exhausted today. Just beat. I didn't sleep well last night, and my nutrition as of late (gearing up for this new, improved me) has been lacking as I've tried to down all the crap I could fit in my mouth prior to today.

So my brain isn't firing properly and I have little mental motivation. I think the exercise will help with this intellectual malaise. I pray it does.

Week One - Creativity

So, I have an opportunity. And a deadline. I've been creating some TV pitches for awhile now, and working with some partners to get them an audience. The goal is to sell the ideas to a production company or a network so they can then turn them into shows. I don't want to follow the show and write for it - I just want to get paid for my idea.

One of my partners is connected to a fairly well-known and respected Hollywood TV and film actor, and he's got a development company and is currently looking for a show to star in. When the contact was in town a few weeks ago, I ran an idea past him and he thought I should write a part for the star.

Now I know the star will be looking at ideas next week.

I need to get into motion. I need to get this pitch perfected and sent off - I want to SELL this idea. I want to change my life and work using my brain. I want fulfillment and joy through my work.

So. Normally I'd do something half-assed and phone it in. Not this time. This time I need to grab the reins and really make an impact.

This time I'm going to go for it.

Week One - Day One

I guess it's official - today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Let's get this over with: 260.5 lbs.

Normally I'd be crying but two years ago I was ten pounds heavier, so it's really not so bad. I have kept off ten pounds for two years. Now I just need to lose 80 by August.

J's dad turns 60 in August, and we're supposed to go out east to celebrate. I've never met him, and he's apparently a fatty-hater, and not shy about it. I know J loves me just as I am, but I also know life will be a lot easier for him on the trip if I'm a lot thinner. And my life will be easier, too. So I want to lose about 12 lbs a month. That's very doable, right? I think so.

On the finance front, I've been paying bills and staying mostly within my guidelines. I haven't been very organized or efficient, but I haven't started in on my major housecleaning yet. Today is the first day, after all.

I didn't sleep well last night and I'm pretty tired today - I just want to lay around at home and read, relax, watch some TV. I'm thinking my reward for the first 20 lbs will be a day off to do just that.

This is all pretty nebulous right now and I'm really scared. But excited, too. I want to make these changes, I AM making these changes. I'm ready.

ramping up

I've got to admit, I've been pretty slothful since I got back from Las Vegas (which was 12/1). Prior to the trip, I'd been good about eating right and going to the gym. I lost around 7 lbs, all of which I've gained back along with an extra pound or two for good measure. I can feel how mushy my body has become, full of sugar and junk and fat. I'm sloshy and winded and I haven't been sleeping well. When I was working out I'd fall asleep within a few minutes of hitting the pillow and I would pretty much sleep through the night. That hasn't happened since I got back from LV.

So there are four significant areas I need to work on in the 41 weeks leading up to my 35th birthday (10/20 for any interested parties):

1. eating/exercise/physical health

2. money management

3. creative output

4. lifestyle (less clutter, more gratitude, etc)

I realize these are nebulous goals, but they are really about changing my way of life. I am going to work on what I can change and let go of what I can't. But I've so often been on the verge, the precipice, of becoming, and I'm ready to have that happen. And I'm ready to forgive myself for my past failures, mistakes, crimes, and sins. I'm ready to move forward and just move, really. I'm ready to be self-actualized. I'm ready.