punched in the face

Well, not really, but that's how I feel today. My dentist intentionally cut a muscle in my mouth yesterday, and the entire right side of my face feels as though someone knuckle-sandwiched me for hours.

I'm happy to report I was back to 251.5 this morning, and I spent a good half hour on the elliptical. I'm up to 6 on the crossramp, which I think is good. I'm still lamenting not being able to go to the gym every morning, but depending on what happens in the near future I may check with my boss and see if I can come in at 9am on M&W so I can get the early exercise in and out of the way.

All and all I'm feeling much better than yesterday. It doesn't hurt that I got a bit of a project out of the way at work. I've got a ton of errands to take care of today and I'm traveling this weekend - that will be a test of my plan, for certain.

Day Fifteen

Going backward. Yep. I'm at 253 this morning. I'll admit it, Friday night I fucked up. We ate veggie pizza and I sort of lost all control. Reason #1 I can't be around that sort of food. I did take a decent walk on Saturday, and the past two days I've eaten pretty well. But I'm gaining, not losing. And it devastates me. I'm crying as I type this. How sad.

I have to start from scratch with the planning - I haven't done anything over the past few days. I'm starting to feel pretty self destructive and my wrists are hurting me and I have to go to the dentist today and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide hide hide away.

I am going home this weekend and I so wish I weren't, I wish I could take some time off and just be at home and hide under the covers. Why do I feel so bad? Why can't things get better?

Day Twelve

Hoo-rah! 251.0. That's a grand ol' number. I'm getting starry-eyed thinking about 245, which is what I weighed around four years ago. That's the lowest number I'm aware of for many years. Once I'm below that threshold, well.......................

I'm still craving bad food, I admit it. And the workouts aren't getting easier. Tuesday & Thursday morning I did not put in my full time, I'll fess up. Today I'm supposed to go for 40 minutes. I'm leaving work early so it's not as if I won't have plenty of time - plus, it's Friday. I guess I will try to go for 20 mintues on the treadmill, then maybe 20 minutes on the elliptical. Something like that. Split it up so it's not so daunting. I put some new songs on the iPod last night - I think that's also a good incentive to help with the exercise - new songs=distraction.

Day Ten

Oh man oh man oh man! I've lost eight pounds as of this morning! I'm over the moon!

Yesterday was both good and bad - I started the day with a ticket for running a red light. That's an $83 fine, a lot for 5:44 a.m. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go to court about it. But I got to the gym, did 20 minutes on the elliptical, took a shower, and had a pretty good day at work. Oh, and some peeps from my old job encouraged me to apply for an open position there - so I did. It would be a huge upgrade, at least *power*-wise from what I'm doing now. I'm pretty sure I want the gig. We'll see, though - there are some cons to the situation, but with the possibility of my job being eliminated, it would be nice to have some job security again.

Yeah, so yesterday I had tons of cravings; my period makes me insatiable. But seeing *8* pounds down on the scale this morning really helps me feel better and stay motivated.

Gym after work today. Hooray!

Day Eight

Guess what, world? I lost 5.5 lbs last week! I exercised six of the seven days, and I pretty much followed the plan to the letter (I did have some movie popcorn and a diet coke on Saturday). Yep. 5.5 lbs, and it was relatively painless. Of course I wish after the week I could now take a week off, eat whatever I want (chocolate, pizza, a sub sammich), but that's not going to happen. I have to move forward into week two.

I also realized trying to change so many things all at once is difficult. However, with the extra energy I had yesterday I did get some cleaning done, albeit a minor amount. I am feeling more productive, and I am getting more accomplished. Little steps, I guess.

I'm planning on making a list of all the things I need to do to get myself in gear - part-time writing work will certainly help my life a great deal. I need a flash drive, too. That would also help me out a great deal! Duh!

Thursday

I hit the gym around 6am today....went for 26 minutes on the elliptical. I hate showering in public places, but it's necessary when I go to the gym in the mornings, as the gym is so close to work it would be a waste of time and gas to go home and drive back. Today the cleaning lady was in the bathroom while I showered - sort of weirded me out, though she left before I was done. I'm so anxious about having anyone see my body and judge it, laugh at it.

I also hate those showers because despite the cleaning lady, they are dirty with other people's hair and whatnot. And while the cold water is cold, the hot water is even colder. Not fun.

I know I'm not supposed to weigh myself, but I this morning I weighed 257. That's really grand. I know I need to stop with the weighing, I know, I know, I know, but I can't help it. I'm addicted.

Now if I could just get myself going on some other changes. I am proud I've worked out four times this week. That's pretty good for me. And only two more days until I can rest....

I started something...again

I stared the Biggest Loser's 30 Day Jump Start program on Monday, and so far I've done well. I did eat lunch off the plan today, but I think it will be okay. Otherwise, the scale says I've lost two pounds. I've been to the gym twice (Monday night and Tuesday morning!) and I'm going again every day but Sundays. For the next 30 days.

Okay, enough of that. Another realization: I have not saved one red cent in the past few months, with the exception of a few bucks for Austin. Other than that, nothing. I've spent $350 in three weeks on groceries, not to mention another $50 on eating out, easily. Um, what the hell is wrong with me? My impulse buys are out of control. Plus, I have to go to the store again to ensure I have what I need for the food plan - I'm hoping I can keep it in the $50 range. I need to cook in bulk and do my best to stretch my food dollar.

I did read up on starting a website yesterday, which was progress. I've done very little as far as my actual work is concerned, and nothing for the TV pitches. What is wrong with me?

I just thought of something - I need to create my own boot camp for getting the career/life I want. I also need to create a vision board....

it's been awhile

Officially, the scale rang me in at 256.0 this morning. So I guess that's good. I'm deep into this plan and I have accomplished nothing. I tread water all the time, never coming up, never meeting my goals. I feel like I'm censoring myself and keeping myself back. I'm not true to me.

Things I want to accomplish before the end of the month:

1. work out at least four times a week, every week
2. clean my shit up in the bedroom
3. clean out my closet
4. apply for at least five freelance gigs

I was going to list more, but I think that's a pretty healthy list - I have a LOT to do there, more than meets the naked eye, anyway. I will be losing my job within the next nine months, at least it seems pretty certain I will be moved or repurposed, perhaps with a paycut. I need to start saving, planning, fixing things up for the future. I need to get off my ass. Get my pitches in. Lose weight. Take advantage of my insurance. Be a better person. Be a neater person! Be less lazy!