april fool

252.0 this morning. WTF??? I hit the gym yesterday, I'm eating right, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Why can't I break this barrier? I know I just have to keep chugging forward, but it makes me cry. Seriously, it's so disheartening.

punched in the face

Well, not really, but that's how I feel today. My dentist intentionally cut a muscle in my mouth yesterday, and the entire right side of my face feels as though someone knuckle-sandwiched me for hours.

I'm happy to report I was back to 251.5 this morning, and I spent a good half hour on the elliptical. I'm up to 6 on the crossramp, which I think is good. I'm still lamenting not being able to go to the gym every morning, but depending on what happens in the near future I may check with my boss and see if I can come in at 9am on M&W so I can get the early exercise in and out of the way.

All and all I'm feeling much better than yesterday. It doesn't hurt that I got a bit of a project out of the way at work. I've got a ton of errands to take care of today and I'm traveling this weekend - that will be a test of my plan, for certain.

Day Fifteen

Going backward. Yep. I'm at 253 this morning. I'll admit it, Friday night I fucked up. We ate veggie pizza and I sort of lost all control. Reason #1 I can't be around that sort of food. I did take a decent walk on Saturday, and the past two days I've eaten pretty well. But I'm gaining, not losing. And it devastates me. I'm crying as I type this. How sad.

I have to start from scratch with the planning - I haven't done anything over the past few days. I'm starting to feel pretty self destructive and my wrists are hurting me and I have to go to the dentist today and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide hide hide away.

I am going home this weekend and I so wish I weren't, I wish I could take some time off and just be at home and hide under the covers. Why do I feel so bad? Why can't things get better?

Day Twelve

Hoo-rah! 251.0. That's a grand ol' number. I'm getting starry-eyed thinking about 245, which is what I weighed around four years ago. That's the lowest number I'm aware of for many years. Once I'm below that threshold, well.......................

I'm still craving bad food, I admit it. And the workouts aren't getting easier. Tuesday & Thursday morning I did not put in my full time, I'll fess up. Today I'm supposed to go for 40 minutes. I'm leaving work early so it's not as if I won't have plenty of time - plus, it's Friday. I guess I will try to go for 20 mintues on the treadmill, then maybe 20 minutes on the elliptical. Something like that. Split it up so it's not so daunting. I put some new songs on the iPod last night - I think that's also a good incentive to help with the exercise - new songs=distraction.

Day Ten

Oh man oh man oh man! I've lost eight pounds as of this morning! I'm over the moon!

Yesterday was both good and bad - I started the day with a ticket for running a red light. That's an $83 fine, a lot for 5:44 a.m. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to go to court about it. But I got to the gym, did 20 minutes on the elliptical, took a shower, and had a pretty good day at work. Oh, and some peeps from my old job encouraged me to apply for an open position there - so I did. It would be a huge upgrade, at least *power*-wise from what I'm doing now. I'm pretty sure I want the gig. We'll see, though - there are some cons to the situation, but with the possibility of my job being eliminated, it would be nice to have some job security again.

Yeah, so yesterday I had tons of cravings; my period makes me insatiable. But seeing *8* pounds down on the scale this morning really helps me feel better and stay motivated.

Gym after work today. Hooray!

Day Eight

Guess what, world? I lost 5.5 lbs last week! I exercised six of the seven days, and I pretty much followed the plan to the letter (I did have some movie popcorn and a diet coke on Saturday). Yep. 5.5 lbs, and it was relatively painless. Of course I wish after the week I could now take a week off, eat whatever I want (chocolate, pizza, a sub sammich), but that's not going to happen. I have to move forward into week two.

I also realized trying to change so many things all at once is difficult. However, with the extra energy I had yesterday I did get some cleaning done, albeit a minor amount. I am feeling more productive, and I am getting more accomplished. Little steps, I guess.

I'm planning on making a list of all the things I need to do to get myself in gear - part-time writing work will certainly help my life a great deal. I need a flash drive, too. That would also help me out a great deal! Duh!

Thursday

I hit the gym around 6am today....went for 26 minutes on the elliptical. I hate showering in public places, but it's necessary when I go to the gym in the mornings, as the gym is so close to work it would be a waste of time and gas to go home and drive back. Today the cleaning lady was in the bathroom while I showered - sort of weirded me out, though she left before I was done. I'm so anxious about having anyone see my body and judge it, laugh at it.

I also hate those showers because despite the cleaning lady, they are dirty with other people's hair and whatnot. And while the cold water is cold, the hot water is even colder. Not fun.

I know I'm not supposed to weigh myself, but I this morning I weighed 257. That's really grand. I know I need to stop with the weighing, I know, I know, I know, but I can't help it. I'm addicted.

Now if I could just get myself going on some other changes. I am proud I've worked out four times this week. That's pretty good for me. And only two more days until I can rest....

I started something...again

I stared the Biggest Loser's 30 Day Jump Start program on Monday, and so far I've done well. I did eat lunch off the plan today, but I think it will be okay. Otherwise, the scale says I've lost two pounds. I've been to the gym twice (Monday night and Tuesday morning!) and I'm going again every day but Sundays. For the next 30 days.

Okay, enough of that. Another realization: I have not saved one red cent in the past few months, with the exception of a few bucks for Austin. Other than that, nothing. I've spent $350 in three weeks on groceries, not to mention another $50 on eating out, easily. Um, what the hell is wrong with me? My impulse buys are out of control. Plus, I have to go to the store again to ensure I have what I need for the food plan - I'm hoping I can keep it in the $50 range. I need to cook in bulk and do my best to stretch my food dollar.

I did read up on starting a website yesterday, which was progress. I've done very little as far as my actual work is concerned, and nothing for the TV pitches. What is wrong with me?

I just thought of something - I need to create my own boot camp for getting the career/life I want. I also need to create a vision board....

it's been awhile

Officially, the scale rang me in at 256.0 this morning. So I guess that's good. I'm deep into this plan and I have accomplished nothing. I tread water all the time, never coming up, never meeting my goals. I feel like I'm censoring myself and keeping myself back. I'm not true to me.

Things I want to accomplish before the end of the month:

1. work out at least four times a week, every week
2. clean my shit up in the bedroom
3. clean out my closet
4. apply for at least five freelance gigs

I was going to list more, but I think that's a pretty healthy list - I have a LOT to do there, more than meets the naked eye, anyway. I will be losing my job within the next nine months, at least it seems pretty certain I will be moved or repurposed, perhaps with a paycut. I need to start saving, planning, fixing things up for the future. I need to get off my ass. Get my pitches in. Lose weight. Take advantage of my insurance. Be a better person. Be a neater person! Be less lazy!

2/26

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. I have been sick sick sick again and again.
Here's where it hurts:

ears/ear canals
head
back
shoulders
shoulder blades
right knee
right ankle
right foot
left calf
left foot (top)
hips
upper lip
stomach
bowels

I am exhausted. Really down for the count. Really out of it.

Month Two - Week Three - Day Two

I worked out on the elliptical for 20 minutes yesterday. I'm still sore in certain areas, and it feels great.

Today I also got some work done on my reality pitch. Not a lot, but it's better than before. We're meeting tomorrow.

Month Two - Week Three - Day One

257 today. Hm. But I ate pancakes for dinner last night. So I guess I'm not complaining. I am always aware, though, in the back of my mind, that this progress has to be ramped up. When I get back from IA, next week things have to get serious.

How long have I been saying that? When I get back from...when x is over...????

I still feel ill, which I hate. Cold sores. Ick.

I want a new car. I want to be frugal. I want to be smart. I want to be happy with what I have.

Month Two - Week Two - Day Five

259.0 lbs this morning. I nearly burst into tears. The thing is, for most of last year I was around 253. So I've settled in at this new, higher rate, and it's killing me. It's so discouraging.

Gym after work today, and work is a 1/2 day for me. Errands to run.

I've applied my tax refund monies toward good things like an emergency fund, paying off debt, and a down payment on a new used car. I'm trying to up my credit rating so I can get a lower interest rate on a car, and maybe pay a little less each month, or at least the same amount for more car. Something like that. Something good. I'm trying to stay on top of my funds, build a buffer, be able to have nice things. The goal is to spend less than I earn, right? Why is that so hard? I wouldn't be making ends meet if it weren't for my bonus and refund. Then again, I am accelerating payments on my cards. Still, it's a wake up call.

But like my weight, because I can squeeze and manipulate my way around it, I'm not worried yet. I do want to get to the point where I use my rewards cards for all purchases and pay them off immediately, before the bill comes. And so the other cards are just for show, just for fun, just in case, to be phased out over the course of a year, before annual payments are due. After I have the new car. Once my credit is up.

Are we going to buy a house? Are we going to get married? I wonder all the time. But truthfully, I'm prolly not there yet. I'm lose in my supermarket. I'm overwhelmed and under motivated. I'm fat and I'm lazy.

Month Two - Week Two - Day Four

Sound the trumpets - I'm down another half pound! I know this weighing in shit is getting a tad obsessive, but I'm trying to figure out what works and what doesn't.
No workout today as I'm dealing with my car's oil change and whatnot. It's probably good to take a day off - I upped my speed on the treadmill a bit (won't even post it because it's so laughably slow to the average consumer) and I went for a full 40 minutes. I am getting closer to a decent walk time and I'm thrilled. I have to keep pushing, continue to bust out of the comfort zone.

You know, I've been so desensized by the diet-mania of our culture that I have no idea what a healthy amount of daily carbs looks like. My fitday.com calorie counter shows me the number of carbs I'm ingesting and I think they're through the roof, but I don't know if that's true or not. I know if I bump them down a bit I will lose more, but this isn't the time for that. Yet.

Financially, I've been doing some good things. My Walgreen's visit today resulted in a $4.18 total, saving me over $24. And I bought good stuff, like Bounty paper towels and Nivea and Progresso soup. Nothing off-brand or weird. I also scored a $25 gift card for transferring a prescription - I plan to use the money toward detergent and other "higher ticket" items.

Creatively, I've not done much lately, but that (like everything else!) is about to change. Our contact in LA has a deal with a major network, so I need to get rolling on my awesome ideas. I think something can come of this.

I've got to make a valentine's card for J tomorrow, something sweet. Also have to get back to the gym.

Month Two - Week Two - Day Three

Today is good. 258.0. That's a good place to be. Not that I want to be here for long, but I'll take it for today.
13 lbs until I'm at the weight I was at this time in 2006. Then it's unchartered territory -don't really know what my weight was for years.

I walked for 37 minutes yesterday, not bad at all. There were moments I felt light as air, as if I were gliding.

The Urban Hermit survived on 800 calories a day and lost over 100 lbs in a few months. I don't think I could pull that sort of a starvation diet off. I don't know if I could handle it. But he got his bills paid, he got out of debt. That does appeal to me.

There's a streak coming up, March-April, where I probably won't be doing any traveling or anything special. I'm thinking it's a good time to get a little more drastic.

I'm wearing a favorite cardigan today, also favorite argyle socks. And meeting a friend for lunch. Life is good.

Month Two - Week Two - Day One

I lost and gained weight over the weekend. 260.5 is where I stood this morning.
Other things that happened:

1. my back hurts, not sure how it happened, but it got worse over the weekend. then better. then I fell on the ice this morning.
2. I have to have a root canal. breaking my heart. how much will it cost?
3. my house is a mess. my home is a mess. my furniture is falling apart. my life is a mess.
4. my ears hurt.
5. jason's mom is mean, I had a bad time at bob's party. And I felt like a selfish jerk for not getting into it, not "having personality." but I wanted to sulk. jason ignored me and then he felt bad. I know he really loves me, but I felt bad. i want to move away from his family.
6. my eyes are heavy and tired and I just want to go home. how long until I can leave? i don't really know. Gwen could call at any minute. i don't want that to happen. I don't want to hear from here.
7. tomorrow I have to be bright eyed, bushy-tailed, and really good at my job.
8. i'm so far behind on pitches it's sad sad sad. I need to be proactive with my dreams!
9. need to pick up some valentine's day cards and some birthday cards and I think my tax refund is coming this week and I need to spend it wisely
10. also, how is it that other people have so much money? they buy houses and furniture and go on vacation and i don't seem to have anything but more bills and stupid little bills and crap
11. i think i spend far too much money on food. i think my lunches need to be 1/2 a bag of frozen mixed veggies and a protein. maybe that's what my breakfasts need to be, too. not quite sure yet, but that's what I'm thinking.
12. i do like wheaties.

Month Two - Week One - Day Five

So far this week I'm pleased - I'm back down to 259.5. I had a great day at the gym Wednesday, really worked hard and walked for 37 minutes, at a decent pace. I've rested for a day and now I'm going back tonight.

I'm sort of dreading this weekend, because of the surprise party. J's family really gets under my skin sometimes. Oh well, I have to not be stressed. I have to be calm and good and just do my best.

I'm working on better money management - but it's difficult right now. There are some expenses coming up - AAA membership, oil change, car insurance - that make it difficult.

Creatively, I've not done much, either. I did order some paperweights so I can make something cool. I really need to get back to my pitches.

Month Two - Week One - Day Three

261.5 today. That's down. That's good. I didn't go to the gym yesterday, as I had a hair appointment. I feel so much better with pruned eyebrows!

I made a list of rewards for losing weight yesterday. I've got 10, 20, 30, 40, and 50 lbs set up.

10 lbs - new Sigg water bottles ($40)
20 lbs - day off work
30 lbs - new running shoes ($130)
40 lbs - tailor ($50)
50 lbs - flea market shopping trip ($150)

These are all things I want to do, so I'll need to set up a savings account so I have enough money.

Once I hit goal (150) I'm going to go to NYC for a weekend, I think, and see Ann.

So I've been logging food and exercise on FitDay and I'm not eating as much as I thought, at least calorie wise.

Today I need to spend more time at the gym. I need to break out of my comfort zone. Sure, 20 minutes on the treadmill minimum (I'm just going to slow down when I get tired and then go some more!), but I should maybe add in the bike or something else to help burn more calories. I need to stop with the excuses!

Month Two - Week One - Day One

Wow, so the first month was a bust! I'm at 261.5 this morning, so no improvement there.

The Steelers won the Super Bowl - that makes me happy! The online company I filed my taxes with messed everything up, so I have to start over from scratch.

I've paid my bills this pay period and may have enough to get through until the next paycheck, so that's definitely a bonus.

I've planned a trip home and I get to see my two best friends, and I don't have to take any time off! That is a HUGE bonus and a blessing and I'm so appreciative. I'll also get to spend some time with my grandparents and relax a bit. I'm really thankful. Did I mention I don't have to use any of my coveted vacation days?

What else? Hm. I'm going to the gym after work. I have some books about collage and I'm going to try to make it happen. I worked a couple of days last week organizing my closet and bedroom and while I still have a LONG way to go I'm closer than before and things are looking better.

Going out to dinner with family tonight. Food gets a lot more strict tomorrow.

Life is good. I need to remember that. Oh, and we saw the Wrestler this weekend and it broke my heart into a million billion pieces.

Week Four - Day Five

The scale read 260.5 this morning. I've worked out twice this week and not eaten too terribly. Whenever I have my period I am ravenous - I will have to remember this for future reference.

I've decided to add some veggies to my early kimkins diet attempt - I don't want to be too headachey or out of sorts at work. I went online and ordered my groceries today - actually a very good idea! It costs $13+tip for delivery, but I think it's well worth it. I saved time and it's one less errand I have to run.
I'm going to try to go to Trader Joe's once a month and maybe have Sentry deliver once every two weeks. I think it might be a smart move.

Last night I got a bit more done with the anti-clutter endeavor. I finally got an old broken suitcase out to the trash, and I folded and put away a bunch of clothes that were just sort of laying around. The bedroom is looking nicer and I'm feeling better every day about my progress.